I went through an extremely difficult time in my life last year. It was bad. Like really, really bad. Wendy’s world was crumbling down around her and Wendy no longer liked the Wendy that she had created. Awww. Poor Wendy! Wendy also likes to refer to herself in third person. But hey, that’s what makes Wendy so damn special. Anyways Wendy, let’s continue on, shall we? Yes. Let’s.
During that cray cray time, I didn’t know what was up or down, right or wrong, black or white, happy or sad. Absolute confusion.
I was trying to fit every thought, feeling, action, and life experience in a right or wrong box. These boxes, of course, were created by society, family, friends, and my old belief system.
What used to be in one box now seemed to fit in the other box. Where does it all belong? Where do I belong? Do I belong at all? Everything seemed to be negotiable, which led to even more confusion. No matter how I looked at it, I felt guilt and shame for not being enough. I was basically losing my shit.
As a means to gain some peace and clarity, I ventured off to stay in a little cabin at the beautiful Omega Institute in New York for a week of meditation, yoga, massages, self-reflection and serenity. Sounds fabulous, doesn’t it? Yep. I thought so, too.
Well, I guess the Universe decided to eff with me just a wee bit more and not allow me the peace that I so desperately craved. The day I arrived was the day that one of the worst heat waves ever hit that area. That may not seem like that big of a deal, but for me and my already hot body (And I don’t mean sexy. (But I could!)), it IS a big deal. I can have a hot flash sitting inside an igloo in Alaska eating a popsicle. I’m one hot-natured mama.
Here’s where the really big deal comes in. There was NO air conditioning inside my cute lil’ cabin, the dining hall, the yoga studio, the spa, the anywhere. And I, again, was basically losing my shit. I was a HOT SWEATY MESS! Not to mention, it was humid as hell, so my already big head of hair looked like I got stuck inside a wind tunnel at NASA.
I was grumpy and I was pissed. Every time a yogi passed by and said, “Namaste”, I wanted to say, “Really? Do you reeeeally bow to the Divine in me? Because the Divine in me is sweating its ass off right now. Might wanna bow to one of those weird yogis that actually ENJOYS hot yoga.”
As I walked my frizzy, sweaty, bitchy self from one hellish place to the next, I came across a little slice of heaven. Make it a big slice! I noticed that the gift shop had their doors and windows shut. Hmmm. Interesting. The closer I got, I could see people inside walking around with smiles and dry faces. Wtf?! I booked it to the front door!
I walked in and I was greeted with an orgasmic blast of freezing cold air. I really do mean orgasmic. I think I even screamed a bit. They probably thought, Wow! She’s really excited about shopping! Damn right I was!
Needless to say, the gift shop became my home for the rest of the week. I would literally hide in the back of the shop, sit on the floor and read books all day. Absolute heaven. I had never been so appreciative of the invention of air conditioning in my entire life.
Every now and then I’d get up and buy something stupid just so they didn’t kick me out. On the last day of my trip, I was shopping for something to “pay my rent” and I saw a quote written on a card from the poet, Rumi. It said...
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
I read it again and again. The words passed through my psyche, down into my heart and deep into the depths of my soul. Those words felt as yummy to my soul as the cold air on my face. It was exactly what I needed.
In just fifteen words, my life shifted. Just like that. I felt relief. I felt acceptance. I felt love. Not only did I realize that I don’t have to fit all my thoughts, feelings, actions, and life experiences (past, present, or future) into a perfect right or wrong box, I realized that THERE ARE NO BOXES.
Instead, there is a beautiful field where my soul, your soul, and all souls connect in absolute non-judgement, bliss and joy.
You don’t have to BE a certain way to be worthy of love. You can just BE YOU, because YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are perfect just the way you are.
How ironic that the GIFT of peace and clarity that I was so desperately seeking would be found in a GIFT shop! Go figure! It’s a shame that I had to schlep all the way to New York and sweat like a pig just to find my gift, but OMG...it was so worth it. I’m grateful that the Universe effed with me just a wee bit more to lead me from the hell of my mind to the heaven of my soul.
Since my encounter with those wise words from Rumi, I granted myself permission to just be Wendy. Not just Wendy, but Wonder Wendy. Wendy in all of her entirety. Wendy with an exclamation mark! I not only hang out in the field that is beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, but I run naked through it! Ohhhh yeah! Please keep in mind that it’s only 70 degrees on this heavenly field. We certainly don’t want Wonder Wendy to sweat now, do we?
I also now trust that the Universe/God/Big-Man-on-Campus knows what it’s doing.
I leave you with this...
Go be you. Whoever that is. You decide. You create you. You have the power to be whoever you want to be. You do not have to fit in a right or wrong box according to society, your family, your friends, or even your old self. You are loved just the way you are and you are amazeballs.
Okay, my fellow sexy souls, I will meet you in the field!
Clothing is optional.